


Unanswered

by misha_anon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Gen, Prayer, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-17
Packaged: 2017-12-29 16:08:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misha_anon/pseuds/misha_anon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel prays.  <i>(Only spoilery for those who haven't seen the 9x03 promo.)</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Unanswered

**Author's Note:**

> _Castiel praying is one of my favorite things. This is based on a short clip in the 9x03 promo, though my ending has nothing to do with said clip._

Castiel hesitates in the doorway, his gaze traveling down the high row of stained glass until it settles on the altar at the front of the church.  He swallows hard and backs away into the cold rain; eyes fixed on the crucifix on the far wall.  He can feel the steam rising off his trembling body, vaguely hear cars passing by on the wet street behind him over the ever-present sound of angels crying out in fear.  

He steels himself, teeth clenched, and moves slowly into the church.  Fear wells up in Castiel's chest.  He tries not to think about the last time he was in a church; about the destruction he wrought afterward.  He walks carefully into the warmth of the building, studying the stained glass more carefully.  When he sees depictions of the Tower of Babel and the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, his eyes sting with tears.

_Lo, how the mighty have fallen_ , he thinks bitterly.

He doesn't venture in very far, finding a place at the edge of a pew near the back to sit.  When he can finally breathe under the weight of his many self-assigned sins, he clasps his hands in his lap and looks down at them.  He stares at the dirt caking his fingernails, searching for words for a long moment; then he begins to whisper.

"Father _,"_  he begins, "wherever you are.. we need your help.   _I_  need your help.  I've made so many mistakes, Father, mistakes I can't fix on my own. _"_   Castiel pauses to take a deep, shaky breath, fingers clenching tight.

His throat constricts, choking his already soft words when he continues:"Can you ever forgive me?  I know this is my fault and that I don't deserve your grace now, if I ever did.  You have to be there, somewhere.  You  _have_  to see your sons and daughters, fallen and scared and walking the Earth in scores.  Was this your plan?  Were we meant to fall?  Was I meant to fail?  Is there some..  some greater purpose?"

Castiel's jaw tightens, his stomach twisting at the familiarity of his position."Please, Father.. I need you to tell me what to do, _"_ he pleads softly."I can't do this alone." 

He falls silent; the last, desperate flame of hope in his chest flickering as he listens, waiting for a response he knows won't come.  Castiel's shoulders heave on a painful breath as the first hot tears spill over his lashes and fall onto his clasped hands.  With his head bowed and his confession made, he allows himself the indulgence of fear and pain and need.  He pulls his hands to his face; palms pressed together to continue his prayer wordlessly.

His breath hitches and rasps in his tightened throat as he fights to stifle the sounds of his grief.  Over and over, he silently begs his Father's forgiveness, his Father's mercy for his brothers and sisters if not for himself.  He offers the same words again and again; his heart is incapable of finding any others.  The hand on his shoulder comes as a surprise, fingers curling gently over the top of his wet clothes.  He doesn't have time to look up before the hand's owner speaks.

"Cas?"  Dean's voice is as gentle as his touch and Castiel looks up, hands still clasped, unashamed of the tears that slide down his cheeks.  When he says nothing, Dean swallows, green eyes shining as he whispers, "When you're finished, let's go home."


End file.
